7 Surefire Ways to Guarantee Business Failure

(A Flippant Guide to Driving a Business Out of It)

1)       Revenue is #1

·         It’s over once the sale is made! That’s right, revenue is king and sales people and their managers are driven by sales VOLUME, not quality or service.  So SELL, SELL, SELL!  As I saw in one recent company e-mail: “We need the revenue, baby!  Don’t worry about customer service!  We can’t afford customer service without revenue!”  All you need to remember is: “You can sell ANYTHING once!”  When you master that simple concept you pretty much have the entire sales game captured.

2)       Customer Service is #2 (pardon the pun)

·         When you’re the big gorilla you don’t need to worry about customer service.  As long as REVENUE is pouring in and customers are coming to you there’s no need to worry about it.  Those problems tend to take care of themselves, and when customers go elsewhere you’re doing your competitors a favor by throwing them the scraps that keep them in business.

·         Never finish a job on the first day when you can easily finish it tomorrow!  Your guys will thank you for being able to go home early, and customers want to see that you’re thorough!  They don’t mind taking time out of their day, in fact it gets them out of work, so you’re doing them a favor by stalling!  You can even make yourself look like a star by not checking your orders and then explaining the extraordinary lengths you’ll need to go to fix the “supplier’s” mistake (even if it’s yours). 

·         Always give yourself room to hold someone else accountable.  In fact, that’s one of the first rules of sales!

·         Always make sure to take your personal life to work with you.  Think about how much better you can make your customers feel when they realize their life is so much better than yours!  Make sure to talk about personal issues (I find rashes to be a hit), how dissatisfied you are with your job and your company, and how Enron was so much better. 

·         Remember that the Better Business Bureau is irrelevant.  In fact they’re really hard to work with, so it’s fun to obfuscate who you are to make them work harder (after all, it’s your hard earned REVENUE that funds them).  First off, make sure that some random, powerless employee like Timmy (IT/CEO) is listed as the primary contact for all BBB documentation.  This makes it harder to get to you and gives you more time to generate REVENUE, rather than dealing with them.  Second, don’t answer customer complaints until you’ve been sufficiently lowered to a D or F rating.  When you get to that point, you’ve done your job, because you then don’t have to deal with those customers (who were probably deadbeats anyway).  No one likes to deal with dissatisfied customers, so have a “why bother” attitude, it really works!  This also serves as sales training, as it helps your sales reps learn to overcome objections.

3)       Communication is overrated!

·         Don’t answer the phone, but make customers go through your “automated” system, defaulting to Spanish, forcing them to press 1 for English just to show that they’re serious (and that they got the right number in the first place!)  Also note that you should keep it entertaining, like not changing your Christmas holiday notice until let’s say July.

·         At all costs, don’t let customers know when you’re coming for an appointment.  You should give them the ubiquitous 9-12/1-4 window like the cable guy, make sure you’re late and don’t give them a call to let them know that you’re on the way or won’t show up at all.  You have an entire industry reputation to protect (think of the millions of contractors and cable guys you’ll be putting in jeopardy if you don’t).  Plus, everyone loves a good surprise, so it’s all the better when you show up randomly!

·         Always make sure to let employees (especially top company staffers) use their personal gmail, hotmail, yahoo, etc. e-mail accounts for company business instead of a standard company address.  Seriously, how much more exciting would it be to get that corporate proposal for your nuclear reactor parts from spicyhotmama666@hotmail.com versus HildaRabinowitcz@AcmeNukeParts.com?  This has the added benefit of keeping Timmy busy because otherwise he’d probably be hitting on the cute sales reps, and that keeps them from generating REVENUE.

·         If you do use a standard company e-mail client, make sure to maintain the excitement by not enforcing a standardized naming convention (see Systems).  I once got locked out of a Fortune 500 e-mail system for several weeks (and had to use a gmail account), because there were two “csmith@company.com” in the system and they couldn’t figure out how to resolve it.  It was actually quite entertaining and led me to find some creative uses for my time, which is important; you want your employees to be creative (hence this article).

·         Management meetings are key to a successful business, so make sure that you have a lot of them.  Even better, make sure that no less than 50% of the people in the room only speak another random language (at random times with each other to add to the excitement).  I’ve found that Polish works well (Spanish is too passé).  You’re helping your managers learn another language and they can add “learned 17 Polish curse words” to their resumes.  Note that in said management meetings you should make sure to have lavish lunches, so you can take the scraps down to the production troops.  They like that. 

·         If you can ‘t get everyone together in one room, then make sure to use a conference call and remind everyone to not use the MUTE button, just so you can hear errant comments about you (how can you work on morale if you don’t know what “THEY’RE” saying?), and those lavish lunches being eaten.  The added benefit to conference calls is that you can add an element of surprise, so that most of the meeting attendees are in one conference room at the headquarters in LA, but the guys in Nome and Fargo have to call in and wonder what’s going on without them being there. 

·         Make sure not to use a real-time presentation application that everyone can see at once, like Windows LiveMeeting, WebEx, etc., but instead opt to send everyone a 95+ megabyte PowerPoint presentation (obviously not turned into an automatic PowerPoint slide show) and say “Now if everyone can move to slide 13…”, as you want to move forward.  Better yet, just so everyone can stay on track, be sure to use an entirely black background and have all executives print out copies of the presentation beforehand (it’s preferable if they also have inkjet printers - You need to keep your purchasing department busy buying ink and toner, and that keeps your office supply company in business – see how this is all connected?)

·         Everyone’s got a website.  So do yourself a favor and stand out by not having one (the Internet’s overrated and it’s run out anyway: http://www.endoftheinternet.com).  If you do decide to have a website, make sure your 14 year-old nephew creates you a GeoCities page.  It is critical to have him bury your contact information under so many layers that the only way you can find it is with Google (if you’re lucky).  You’ll pay way too much to have a reputable company do it for you, and no one knows your business like your nephew.

4)       Warranties & Contracts

·         We all know that warranties are just nifty sales tools that don’t really need to be honored.  How many times have you taken your warranty paperwork and just stuffed it in your junk drawer never to be seen again amidst the miscellaneous screws, double-sided tape and other crap?  See, you’ll never use it, so why plan on accruing revenue to account for a certain warranty refund percentage?  You’d be better off putting those reserves toward bonuses (yours). 

·         As for contracts, they’re really just ways to lock customers into your product or service (another nifty sales tool for your arsenal).  Once you’ve got ‘em never let a customer out of a contract, even if you can’t deliver the product.  (See #1 – It’s all about the REVENUE baby!)  And if you do let them out for whatever reason, make sure to short-rate ‘em.  Personally, I like the “but I’m going out of business” explanation; they all say that. 

·         You have to be tough on collections in order to give your contracts some teeth: an 82 year-old deaf widow can’t generate nearly enough negative press with “7 On Your Side” to justify not collecting the $782 dollars she owes for your service!  Hey, she’s got her husband’s pension and Social Security and you need to generate REVENUE (more important is that chargeback you want to avoid!) 

·         Now here’s a here’s a tried and true method for taking care of warranty/service calls:

“Bob’s Fly-by-Night Plumbing and Roofing…” 

“Hi, I’d like to call for warranty service.” 

“Can you give me your customer number?”

“It’s 1234567.”

“Yes, Mr. Truby, I see you bought your fulcrumfulminator from Bob’s Fly-by- Night Plumbing.  They’re out of business, so we can’t honor your warranty.”

“But your name’s the same!?”

“No it’s not, and we even have a new business license number to prove it.  Now, can I interest you in a new roof?  We have the best warranty on the market.”

5)       Don’t pay your bills on time

·         On-time payment is a silly notion; the concept of float is a fundamental business precept, and in this age of electronic payments, you need to try to keep that in play.  So by all means issue checks drawn on your Grand Cayman account(s), and if possible have your accountant (in Grand Cayman) issue and mail your checks for you.  That way you get a few extra weeks between the time the check’s mailed to when it’s received, deposited and (possibly) clears.  This should give you ample time to sell more (REVENUE) and move funds between your accounts, so you can balance your elaborate Ponzi scheme.  If you play your cards right Net-120+ is the new Net-30!

·         An alternative to paying your vendors is bankruptcy.  Just get your attorney (also in Grand Cayman) to file the paperwork for you and the next (after the appropriate filing period) day you can start over.  Granted, you’ll need to have someone else establish new vendor relationships for you, but that should be easy, because your “old” vendors are going to be anxious to make up the REVENUE that they just lost from YOU.  So it’s really OK, because you are keeping your vendors in business and giving their employees what they need (REVENUE = EMPLOYMENT).  It’s a joyous circle if you think about it.  Really.  It’s also a good opportunity for Timmy to get some diversification and career advancement, as you can tell him he can represent himself as CEO (he’ll really like the new business cards too…)

6)       Employees

·         Never hire employees who might have the skill or capacity to someday succeed you.  This way you can make sure your job is secure and simply blame them for lack of performance when you’re forced to let go of them.  But don’t feel bad, if you listen to your HR department (which is a MUST), even in an At-Will state, you can keep them around for months, if not years, with a series of meaningless performance action plans.  This also serves the added benefit of making you look busy, and therefore indispensable (it’s amazing how useless paperwork can validate your existence, so make sure to do as much as you can!)

·         For Sales or Executive positions make sure to rely on pre-employment tests like REID or MMPI to fully evaluate potential employees, and be sure that those tests are administered by qualified HR personnel.  HR has never been wrong in potential employee evaluations.  There has never been a good employee (especially in SALES) who failed one of those tests, and you need to rely on HR vs. your gut instinct.  They’re professionals, so don’t question their judgment. 

·         Nothing builds employee satisfaction and morale better than not paying your employees on time.  Better yet, be sure to bounce payroll checks and not issue timely replacements.  Consider it motivation at a time when so many feel entitled to a job and are looking for work.  Make them really work for it (not even unemployment comes on time).  And do not hire a payroll management service like ADP or offer direct deposit.  You want your employees to get out of the office more for their own well being (see Benefits below).  Going to the bank to deposit their checks does that and it also gives them time to interact with other bank patrons, who might need your service (REVENUE).  In addition, do you really want to give an outside firm access to your employees’ confidential information (Social Security #’s, Addresses, etc)?  I don’t think so, keeping it in house keeps them safe.

·         The same goes for benefits.  You can instill healthy living habits in employees by simply not offering healthcare benefits.  Those savings go immediately to the bottom line, and if you’re lucky, you’ll get a bonus for that new “employee first” initiative.  In addition, with the market as unstable as it is, you can make a good point for eliminating 401(k) and Employee Stock Purchase Programs.  Look at what happened to Enron employees; they lost their entire savings when Enron went down.  You’re saving your employees from potential financial ruin!  Plus, if you force them to exercise economic restraint at home think about how much more they’ll sell (REVENUE)!  Even better, just 1099 your “employees”, that way you empower them to take personal responsibility for paying their taxes and benefits. 

·         Mentoring and career pathing programs are huge (if you’re from Boston that’s “uuge”) in today’s business, so you’ll want to find the best “Management Mentor” from some highly accredited university, like Southwest Toledo State, and pay him/her at least  $200,000 over a 2-year period to develop a mentor program for your most promising executives.  Then in order for them to take full advantage of that knowledge, reorganize your organization, eliminating their career path and/or positions.  That way you force them to grow, just like you would want for a child, and you have the benefit of telling the board that you just saved untold millions in salary (and management consultants), and justify your bonus.  Plus this leaves you much closer to your customers, which is a benefit if you have an accounting background, because you can sell and collect at the same time.

7)       Internal Systems

·         Many well known shell companies are making a killing out of selling services and software, so always make sure to not outsource work that you can do a perfectly good job of screwing up in-house.  Ten years and $30 million dollars to develop a consolidated order entry system is probably a drop in the bucket compared to what Microsoft or IBM could do for you in a few months.  Plus, you need to keep those internal developers employed so you can demand MORE REVENUE from those hacks over in Sales!

·         Make sure that all internal applications are built by the same internal developers without regard to what end-users need.  After all they’re the experts, not you.  They know what you need, and you need to let them do their jobs and give it to you (sounds like HR doesn’t it?)  Believe me, when a systems guy says “it can’t do that”, they know, they’ve been out there and seen what you need.  You just need to live with it. 

·         Never, ever, put standard naming conventions in place for things like company e-mail or the master customer database(s).  It’s always a fun surprise for customers to receive a letter from your company addressed to “SMITH Chris ***THIS GUYS A JERK***”!  Giving your people the ability to enter customer information however they want helps them be creative, and it will keep your Marketing guys busy.  And we all know they need to be doing some real work instead of spending the REVENUE you’re trying so hard to bring in!  Think of how many ways you can make them earn a buck writing a masterfully crafted customer letter like this:

Dear Mr. Chris:

SMITH, we at Acme Nuke Parts value your business…

·         Electronic/Digital Documents: it’s so much easier to give your customers access to your paperwork and forms in a digital format, rather than having your sales rep lug them around.  So make sure you talk to Timmy (IT/CEO) and have him go out and spend $50K on a Sharepoint Server so you can host digital documents in a “document repository”.  But your next step is critical: you cannot at this point overwhelm your employees or customers with truly electronic forms, so have your secretary scan (on an old HP12cp5456 from 1985) all internal & external documents (including crumpled NCR forms), and put them up on your site.  Make sure not to upgrade any of your forms to include new company logos or have a consistent look to them; that’s key and it adds to the surprise.  All this talk about “unified” formats for stuff is overrated.

       Bonus Topic – Efficiency

·         Today’s workers are far too efficient, so don’t use industry standard applications like Outlook or Office.  Instead use Google Docs or Open Office and Lotus Notes to ensure that corporate documentation isn’t shareable with your customers and communication slows to a crawl.  After all, if you slow down your employees in such stressful times, they’ll be much more relaxed and be able to sell more (REVENUE)!  And customers will enjoy the challenge of trying to figure out how to access unknown file formats (actually you’ll be giving them time with their families as their kids, or the 14 year-old nephew who created their website, will have to help them with it, creating a stronger family dynamic).

       Bonus Topic #2 – This just in…

·         Whatever you do, make sure to lay off more salespeople, and then announce a rate increase for your most competitive products.  This will help with your  new “employee first” initiative, because you’ll make what’s left of your sales force cover more ground in a day (exercise) and it will make them better at handling objections.

This article is based on real-life experiences with Fortune 500 (and not so fortunate) companies.  All of the described scenarios are frightenly real, however real names used have been changed to protect the innocent and should not bear any resemblance, intended, or implied, to real people or companies (Timmy, your Mom said you want a new XBOX game for Christmas.  What do you want?  I think I can get HALO3).

(Why only 7 tips as opposed to 10?  Well, 7’s a good start isn’t it?  It’s a nice round number…And don’t forget the 2 bonus tips.  Plus I’m sure I’ll have enough fodder for more with your comments, to which I am looking forward!)